Top Five Funny Signs it's Too Damned Hot Outside! Or, How to Tell if it's Really a Heat Wave
73Now This Guy's Got it Right!
All Your Women Will Find a Way!
Damn, Woman, Fix Those Nasty Locks!
 | Amazon Price: $7.00 List Price: $23.00 |
 | Amazon Price: $5.30 List Price: $8.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $10.94 List Price: $10.95 |
Crazy MF's Riding Bikes in This Heat?
The Furry Curse of Cute Kittens
Mother of Mercy!
You get this guy up top, right? I mean, you've been there. Or at least close to there. Well, I am there and want to share some observations with you regarding blistering heat. Sounds like fun, eh? Let's get on with the lurid details:
- Everyone in town has a stunned, yet pitifully lethargic look about them. In places of business, such as the local Piggly Wiggly, folks you once knew as relatively credible human beings have become walking, shopping poster children for The Stepford Wives. Only difference is that the locals aren't smiling. At all. Navigating the frozen goods aisle has become an exercise in Sam Peckinpah's slow motion agony. When squeaky carts slowly collide, no apologies are given, no words necessary-too...much...energy. Children are mysteriously silent and cooperative. Formerly diligent parents give into pitiful pleas for ice cream without a word. Crack-up funny checkers have lost their wit and take your cash with mumbles and grunts. Even though you have ripped abs and thunderous thighs, you search out the eyes of the 90 pound girl bagger for help to the car. You have no pride.
- Your hair has become your worst nightmare. You dream of bald relief. Once a mane worthy of silky smooth envy, it's frizz completely covers your face. Put it up, you say? Two weeks ago you had a Farrah Fawcett cut replete with layers so the only strands that stay in place are in the back of your head. Your face is still covered. You know you look stupid. If you choose to shave your head per your cool and refreshing dream, your family makes fun of your head. They take turns studying the reddening bumps, claiming to be Phrenology experts. You endure this humiliation without a word.
- Driving with Max A/C blasting your locks in G-Force winds, you scoff, then pity bicyclists. But no empathy goes out to the ones in the skin tight suits who are intentionally riding up a 5% grade at 2 O'Clock in the afternoon. They must be mad. The ones who deserve your empathy are 50 years old pumping away with bags of groceries from the Piggly Wiggly. After passing these poor souls, you pull a U-ee and offer them a ride, even though you'll have to get out of the car. Karma, you understand.
- Your brand new long-haired kitten is suddenly the harbinger of horror. He wants your lap. All the time. Then he climbs, purring with fresh feline love, up to your neck and loops his tail around your face. It gets tangled in your hair. You give up. He's too damned cute.
- You become obsessed with the power company. Did you pay your bill? What if the rest of the town selfishly uses as much electricity as you? You, of course, need it. They don't. What if there's a blackout, for God's sake? Basterds, you think.
And so you pray to the Mother for mercy...and for snow.
Whassup With this Chick??
 | Amazon Price: $23.95 List Price: $49.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $13.88 List Price: $34.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $30.99 |
 | Amazon Price: $18.49 |
Are you hot?
See results without votingvote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (4)
- Funny (19)
- Awesome (5)
- Beautiful (4)
- Interesting
CommentsLoading...
I love the heat, everyone know hates me right now. I keep saying...oh I hope it lasts!! Eyes attempt to roll and sometimes a person will get out half a grunt, they are too hot and tired to manage the proper disgusted verbal lashing they want to administer. I feel bad that eeryone is so uncomfortable, but I simply love the feeling of heat pressing in from all sides. I like to lie outisde in the grass and listen to the cicadas, and watch the air shimmer. I don't think I want a fuzzy kitty to love me right now though. :)
Are you serious??? Lord, I wish I had that attitude. Nope, I'm gonna call you a nut, Doormattnomore, but in a good way! :) But I would love to hear the cicadas again. There just aren't any here.
Thanks for the visit!!
HEY! I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!
Well, mister, then get out of my way! I HAVE to get home to my swamp cooler and don't want to wait for a parade of you crazy guys when trying to turn right!!!
Love ya though. :)
Hey! I resemble that remark too! I love you too Girl!
Well, it is that time of year. I enjoyed the humor in your hub. Rather clever I would say.
Thanks so much, Pamela-I hope you are quite cool!
Thanks for the visit.
And there I was thinking I'd gone through a really HOT summer! We're allegedly in the monsoon now but there's no sign of rain - sigh. Hang in there lorlie. Think cool. :)
Stay cool and collected, FP-the rain will come! I hope...
Thanks for stopping by!
Out here in South Carolina they don't know what a swamp cooler is, and the natives wonder why you'd need to cool your swamp anyway. But they won't work out here in the humid buggy semitropical Lowcountry.
So hot out here I'm thinking in Celsius. It sounds cooler that way.
Hey, ericsomething-I KNOW!!! Swamp coolers are the butt of so many jokes-when I moved here I admit to being a bit weirded out by the name.
I never thought of Celsius that way-it does sound much, much more tolerable!
Thanks for coming by.
Yeah, we don't mind the heat that much. Last night we had friends over. They all keep their A/C at 77, so we had to turn it on for them. Worse, I had to turn it on hours earlier to cool the place down.
It was great to have them, they are wonderful people, but the minute they left we shut that awful thing off and opened every window in the house. I had a headache by then from the cold air.
We have had to turn it on during the heat wave, but briefly, just to get rid of some humidity. Pull it down to 82 or 83 and shut it off. Then it's back to fans. We like fans :-)
yeah, it's been hot and my nutz have been hanging mighty low. but then, it's better than what I will be in this next January; they'll be crowding my bladder.
Well right now we're in shiver mode! Frost every morning and the sun so pale and weak during the day it seems hardly to make a difference! Maybe we should do a swap - so much of our cool for so much of your heat, hey? What do you think?
Love and peace
Tony
I'm glad you wrote up this great hub... I'm usually too cheap to turn the air conditioning on but it was either that or go sleepless... if I don't get my four hours per night I get crabby.
I think we need to make a deal with TonyMac04 so much cool for sooooo much heat
love the hub
regards Zsuzsy
I know, Im a nut. And its not even attitude, its just that I enjoy the feeling of being hot and sweaty. hahaaa...that sounded wierd....anyway, Im sorry you don't have cicadas. But a least youve still got your sense of humor!
I do love the heat though I can identify with the hair issue. The pic is hilarious but way too close to true! So I just chopped mine off, not quite bald but Sienna Miller short! It can get darn cold around here and plunge to -50 sometimes with wind chill so I am revelling in warm right now! Coffee up my nose after reading your article just added to it! LOL
@Pcunix-fans are saviors, my dear, but only as backup to freeze capacity A/C. You are indeed a nut. :)
@ralwus-your poor nutz don't know if they're coming or going. Glad to be a female on that account, by God!
@tonymac-I'd love to trade, but I'll rue the day when it comes winter here...so I guess I'll just suffer and engage in self-pity for now. :)
@Zsuzsy Bee-I'm pretty cheap myself, but COME ON! I simply can't think of those pennies when sweating-I mean 'glowing'-profusely. Yep, I think we ought to trade with Tony, but then we'll have to go through the same thing in only a couple of months...can't win, huh?
@DoorMattnomore-hot and sweaty, huh? You dirty girl! :):)
@SilverGenes-so at -50 your hair is supple and smooth? Wow, I can't imagine such a temp, though I was in Omaha last January and the wind chill was -17. Painfully cold. Enjoy that coffee!
Even when the conventional termometer says the temperature is just right, we still go by our own. In my case I go with Celsius and I am cold most of the time, while my husband goes with the Farenhid and is hot and "hot" most of the time
Now THIS is one of the best hubs I have ever read. It is brilliant, it is funny, it is skilful, it has, in short, EVRYTHING! I am green with envy! Well done!!! :-)
@Petra-well, I'm certainly glad your husband's hot most of the time! But this other hot is so exhausting!
@De Greek-dear God, man, you flatter my wilting self! Thanks for those words, really. As to being green, it's all the rage these days, don't ya know? :)
... it was so hot today that when I passed by Boot Hill, all I could see was flip-flops.
... so hot today that roadrunners were using oven mitts to pick up lizards.
Whoops, wrong part of the country for me.
HAHAHA!!! Thanks for the laughs, and stop giving those roadrunners your oven mitts!
:)
HOt stuff lorlie and too funny. I can take the summer heat as long as my A/C is working, but when the temperature reaches 93 outside it's worthless. I don't know which uses up more electricity the A/C unit or my flat iron. Sweating out 3-4 months of the year is definitely a drag, but my dream plan is to escape to cooler climes during those months. Maybe next year :)
Lord, Green Lotus, if my swamp cooler cut off at that temp., I think I'd...well, I don't know what I'd do! I live in a desert, God knows why I chose this place. I fantasize about living in the California Redwoods-we can dream!
Cute, cute and cuter! Very funny and love the pics - especially the nude guy up top! Nothing you can do in a heat wave but ride it out. I try and think of winter and how frozen I will be - although it helps a BIT - not so much. Or I go to the pool and cool off for a few! Great job!
Hey, akirchner! Isn't that guy awesome? You're so right, all we have to do is hang on, huh?
Thanks for the visit!
LOL!!! The picture of frizzy hair could be me, hehe as I have very curly hair and extreme heat does make it frizzy, so I pull it up in pony tail or braid. I remember the heat waves in NY and having to take the subway system to work with pantyhose on, ugh, glad nowadays, I have the weather in Oregon which is cooler. :)
Enjoyed reading this hub but feel a little warmer now!
Sorry about that, VioletSun! Oh, Oregon...sounds heavenly to me. Actually my hubby and I fantasize about moving North close to Oregon-the Redwoods.
One of these days!
I loved this hub lorlie. It really gave me a smile. You have a fabulous sense of humour, even in that terrible heat. Here in Australia we are having the coldest winter for at least 15 years. I would gladly swap you for some sun and warmth. Could you imagine the fights if we could control the weather? You would put your washing out to dry and the neighbour would dial for heavy rain. You would then send him a heat wave for revenge and receive a blizzard in return. Thank God that He is in control of it all.
Hugs.
You definately hit on a "Hot Item". Thanks for the eye candy my grannie could look out without looking away! : )
@Loves To Read-those fights of yours sound hysterical! AND I wish I could send you some heat-no shortage here! Thanks for coming by.
@LillyGrillzit-well, I guess there's one happy grannie! :) Thanks for the comment!!!
Haha, this Hub was so real and true that it was funny. I love the song heatwave now but it's currently making me hot because we're experiencing a heatwave in Jersey too (though probably not compared to other places).
Well kaltopsyd, even though I've never been to Jersey, I've heard that it can get mighty hot there, too. And humid. Right? I live in a desert-why I have no idea-and somehow we've got humidity as well.
Thanks for reading!
Yes, it can be very humid in Jersey! I think tomorrow will be humid here. Oh goody! I can't imagine living in a desert state/country. Well, best wishes to you. Stay cool!
Goody! goody! is all we can say at this point, huh? :)
You stay inside and cool, too!
I have to admit I went WTF on the first photo - got a good laugh out of this after being in plenty of 100 degree plus days. You have to love the Who Heatwave though.
It's hot as the'H' word here too!Try adding the wonderful smell of B P's little gift and you've got a great combination!
Your writing is comfortable to read as usual L.Thanks
Dean
@billyaustindillon-sorry for the photoshock! I'm glad you stuck around to read, though. The Who's rendition of the song does rock, eh?
@Dean-God, I never thought of that. That's not funny at all. Those #%**s. Honestly, it must be miserable-and even we folks far away are thinking of you every day down there. I used to live in Birmingham and visited the Gulf often. Try to stay cool, my friend.
lorlie, ordinarily I like the heat, but this is ridiculous - and I'm in the Northeast. I keep reminding myself how much I despise Winters, and that I should be happy - but I've decided there's nothing wrong with being miserable 75% of the year. May as well just go with being miserable. (And the hair issue is a-whole-nother thing I can't even get into. :/ )
Hi Lisa-ah, the hair issue! It's a monster-especially with the humidity.
All my best!
Lorlie6 - great hub - here it is humid and my spuds are suffering - blight - but all is well - we dont get much sun here so we complain when we get it and for the other 11 months we complain because we dont have it - keep up the good work....Irish
Laurel...there is a 6th sense that one could relate here as a sure fire sign. You hear the door bell and trudge begrudgingly to the front door knowing that when you open it some of the cold air that you have trapped inside will escape. You can only imagine what person of such importance could be on your front porch and require that you open the door. Finally caving in to your curiousity, you open the door only to find "Martha & The Vandellas" standing on your porch singing "Heat Wave"! Thanks for a relevant and fun hub! WB
Hey there, Irish! Eeww, I hate humid, and we don't usually get it here in the desert. This last 2 weeks it's been horrid with the dampness! Complaining keeps everyone connected, you know? :)
HAHA, Wayne! Pesky bell ringers. The worst thing is knowing that your coveted cool air is cooling THEM off, huh??
Lol - Bring on the Heat wave. I enjoyed reading this but through interaction with friends who live in America, it seems its much hotter than UK.
Well, I hope you have an a/c at home and lots of Ice Cream in the Freezer.
Regards. :)
Thanks for coming by, Elena-you have no idea how much ice cream I have in the freezer! Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch...too much, I know, but I'm too hot to care!
I popped over from RedGage, where all you see on the dashboard is the "nude dude"! I said to myself, that is definitely worth a click. Great Hub. lorlie6, I have two words for you... Dallas, Texas. 100 yesterday!!! Ciao!
Isn't he a kick? Thanks so much, Jai-I haven't visited RedGage in forever but decided to re-familiarize myself with some of my old Internet meanderings.
The heat is ridiculous, huh? At least the last few days of 100+ weather have not been as humid...what a relief!
So glad you came by!
lorlie - I think of last year with yearning. We were all outside painting the house. I'd get up and sit outside to drink my coffee, paint, cook (out), shower, then sit outside some more. Outside 12 hours a day. It was great. This year it's just awful. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have not done any porch sitting - one of my favorite passtimes. I feel like I am inside all the time. Thank the Lord for the AC!
There is NOTHING wrong with you, believe me! I sat on my back porch a lot last year as well, enjoying the hummingbirds, but this year I watch them from within the confines of my home. They're lucky that I venture outside to refill the feeder-ONLY when necessary! ;)
Neat Hub . God Bless You.
Thanks, stars! I do hope you've managed to stay cool this year!
ha ha ha! I love it.. the photos are awesome, and this is great, yes heat waves are prefect for humor... by the way, I think that is why I am branching out, too much heat!
Yes indeedy, Rebecca-branching out does lower the temp somehow! So glad you came by!
Ahhhhh, don't worry about ye photos--they are perfect as is :-) As I was reading through your first point, I could not help but to think "she is definitely NOT talking about WalMart, the exact polar opposite of that paragraph!" LoL.
But I can relate to this post completely; as I get hot quicker and under lower temperatures than anyone I've ever known. The high blood pressure and overweight thing might have some bearing on it.. :-P
And another thing--albeit random and unrelated--has anyone ever found it annoying that proper English forbids a sentence starting with a conjunction (i.e. and, or, but)? As you can see, I totally disregard it in informal writing--but it's annoying as Hades that such a dumb rule exists. Sometimes I just NEED to begin a sentence with a conjunction, because any punctuation before it would seemingly diminish the thought at hand...
Sorry for the irrelevant tirade there, lol.
But I LOVE tirades, Mercedes-Benz! And I don't care what those stuffy writing books preach. So there.
Well, we're two peas in a pod-I forgot to mention my tendency to get overheated far more rapidly than anyone I've ever known as well, but hell, a hub is a hub!
You're welcome anytime, MB, to rant and rave and burst forth in any sort of tirade you wish and...(I don't think all those ands are allowed, either.)
Not only bare funny hub, but great naked picture, and I was sweating by the end of the hub and then laughing my sweat off reading the comments!
You are FUNNY, very funny. Now how many folks have told you that, even before you started on Hubpages, only now, you can believe it and the spirit of the comment is warm and uplifting all the while hilarious!
Vern
I don't know how this happened!!
Okay, okay, Vern. I believe you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart-I guess it's just hard to WRITE funny, you know?
LoL, it's great to see someone else, as yourself, out there that's like me in a lot of ways :-D
Good to see you, M-B! He he-love the comment!
I really enjoyed this short it was so light and airy! hahaha sory I had to say that,hehehe i really loved this read! ~aloha~
Ooohh, that's cold, girl! ;) I mean, I wish it were cold...you are just, well, so, MEAN!!! :):)
lol~ Great Hub. Very funny. Thanks for sharing. Cheers
Thanks Mike, I hope you got a chuckle!
This is great, I missed it during the actual heat wave though. Very funny, I love the bit about the frizzy hair because I was only last night thinking my hair looks so nice now, wondering if it's the new shampoo, but the heat wave is over, lol. So I have a short heat wave story for you.
I have three cats and one is a fixed male that still thinks he's a lady's man. He is sleek and black with a white chest, he's built like a greyhound, all muscle. He loves to be outside and acts like he's the king of all he surveys, chasing away raccoons from our porches (he monitors all the porches he can see from his throne atop the shed) and stopping noisy cat fights.
During the heat wave we would open the door and he would go out, blink as if he was surprised, and turn around and come right back in, then look at us as if there was something wrong with US! He was the one pointing at the door, stretching his full length to stand and jiggle the door nob if we say no! He'd look at us with that "If you think I'm going out in that heat you're nuts" look, and then go to sleep. One thing you may have noticed about animals (having so many as you do) is that they start to "blame" each other for changes in routine, and our little boy Spaz was no different. Soon he was hiding behind furniture and leaping out or just plain clubbing the other two cats in the head when they would get near. Of course the other two are older and put him in his place, quickly flipping him onto his back and giving him a good smack. They never bare their claws with each other, but they hit hard enough to get him to back off. So, he started violently wrestling with the scratching post and I tell you no lie, figured out how to unscrew it from the base. Three days it took him, but next time the older tom went to play the post fell over, he jumped into the air, it scared him so bad. I could almost hear Spaz laughing, licking his paw as if he was the most innocent creature. I put the post back together, but for the entire heat wave, Spaz would wrestle the post until it was just about to fall, and then go have a nap where he could see it and wait. He had to have something to do with his days.
I'm a darn hot but cooling myself using your hub :)
@Faybe Bay-did spaz's hair get frizzy, too? ;) He sounds like quite the feline! Tearing down the scratching post? He sounds like he was extremely miffed!
@worldgrandeur-as long as you know where to place the fan, you'll be fine!! ;)
Girlfriend - you want HOT?? Come to South GA!
I'll bet you're swimming, gal-that was what was so strange about this heat wave, we had Southern-Style Humidity. That NEVER happens here!
I'll never forget when my mama came to visit me from LA to B'ham. We were running around in our slips under a tornado watch. What a bunch of girls!! :) And both from LA...
I really envy you all. We poor welsh people don't know what it is to get this type of HEAT. So many people here really make me cross, we have rain for 5 months non stop and then you may not believe it but a whole week of sunshine!! Then come the usual longing comments "Oh we really do need rain!" If that's not enough you get a TV advert advertising mouth watering welsh lamb and have the cheek to say "We don't mind a drop of rain in Wales!!" "Excuse me!" says little me "Am I the only one who loves the heat?!" My hair gets very frizzy as well , but not from the heat but because it's always wet!!! Loved this hub. You are a talented writer Laurel and I love your humour, I think it's contagious!! Carry on the good work!!
Well Eiddwen, I'm not sure whether to feel sad for you or envy you right now! It's still crazy, crazy hot here, but I can see how all that rain would make you crazy as well! I took a trip to Alaska a long time ago and the town I remember had around a week of sunshine a year-which is pretty danged dreary, I must admit.
Thanks for putting a spin on my complaining, my Welsh friend!
I am not a "heat" person, but we've been in a heat wave for months it seems. Today it finally broke. It seems nearly cold comparatively. I'd rather live in a cold climate than a hot one I think. But not like, say...Antarctica. I hope your heat has lessened also.
I'm not into heat much myself, Christoph! I think I'd be quite content living anywhere other than the desert in which I reside.
Give me cold, any day!
Thanks for the visit.
This hub struck a cord - it's just reached Spring and it already feels like summer here! Summer is going to be dreadful...
You poor thing-I really mean it! We are almost finished with the horrid heat, I hope! Within the last few days, I've noticed that the Summer has 'broken' to some degree, even mentioned it to my hubby.
I am most assuredly an Autumn person, and don't mind the Winter at all-but the summer? Arghh.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hilarious. Laughing too much to comment properly... I'm Canadian so I can only relate to this hub on about 3 days per year but still find this hilarious! Thx for writing!
I'm terribly glad you enjoyed this, mythbuster, I had a lot of fun writing it.
Thanks for visiting!
I popped by to read this again. It gave me such a giggle the first time I read it and It's made me laugh again today. Can't wait til summer. :)
I'm a winter person myself, but hey, summer's pretty nice! Thanks for stopping by again, Elena!
It is now 98 degrees! Of course, when I saw this hub I had to read it. Since it was too cold and snowy all winter, I am not tired of the heat... yet. I might not be saying that by next week though. Fun hub!
Oh boy, Jeanineinabottle-this is the first day of summer and I dread it terribly!!! I LOVE the snow and all the cold weather, but I do not live in the NE or anywhere close. I hope you stay warm and dry this year!
Re-reading this hub and comments one year after reading it has been such a hoot! You people are awesome and I'm glad, so glad, you enjoyed it-even if the first photo is a tad shocking!
Thanks so much for every word after all this time!
Oh, and by the way, there's another heat wave going right now-all over this sweaty country!!!
Good hub. Love the heat, so, however hot it is is fine with me. Used to live in Phoenix, and wish I was still there at times...110 is comfy to me. I am in South Carolina now and loved the summer and froze my butt off in the winter. I will freeze more as I am moving back to Seattle, where the summers are nice, but the rain and winters...not so much fun...brrrr......but I am from there, as my husband and have been away too long....10 yrs too long....But love the heat...
lorlie6 Hub Author 22 months ago
Sorry I didn't get the pictures just right, I'm too hot to fix it now.