On Becoming an "Elder" After the Death of One's Parents
74
On Youth
I am not privy to the demographic data for HubPages in general, but with so many users, I imagine it is fairly representative of the U.S. So I begin this narrative with the younger people in mind. Most of you are fortunate enough to have living parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts. They serve as the keepers of wisdom, the family elders we look up to, hopefully. Whether or not we 'get along' with these folks is really not the point-it is that they simply exist. They have something we cannot be given, we must earn it-experience. Ideally, there is an familial 'umbrella' that exists so that youth may flourish. Our elders are there to wipe our noses, kiss our boo-boos, and listen to youthful angst. The lives they have lived give them the knowledge to do these things properly. Once again, I wish to emphasize that it is the ideal family situation that I am portraying here, which is almost a rarity in our current society.
Stuck in the Middle With Me
I've been middle-aged for some time now, and at 53, I think I just better get used to the idea. It's not so easy, you realize-during my first 25 years I had access to a virtual family shelter-where I could certainly turn somewhat comfortably when in need. Enter longer lifespans, and these relationships can last far longer than ever before in human history. And of course the complexity of the modern age adds to the myriad of information we are required to assimilate. A brief article in USA Today caught my attention regarding this matter:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-11-12-women-study_x.htm
But as the years go by, our elders pass away-some of these deaths leaving us somewhat stunned and lost. We are left with their memories and teachings, their wisdom and knowledge. All of this is, of course, one of the more difficult aspects of the human condition.
The Process
Aging is forever taking place, whether we like it or not. I see my mother's face in the mirror now, and it is somewhat disconcerting. And these years have a tendency to creep up on you; one day you simply notice that you don't look young any longer-and it's mighty strange, indeed. Now it didn't happen all at once, certainly, my first experience with apparent aging was the fact that nobody 'carded' me any longer. Initially, I was thrilled, then, horrified. Of course I was all of 25 at the time, but felt ancient and hurt. But I was quick to get over it, and went on with other matters so critical when in one's 20's.
As I went somewhat fearlessly though my thirties and forties, I was forced to realize that I, indeed, was becoming one of them. No longer could I blame youth for my questionable ways, I was now becoming an elder. Dozens upon dozens of nieces and nephews cropped up-how did such a thing come about? Christmas cards now bear the visages of my cousins who are currently identical to their parents so very long ago. Disturbing.
And So It Goes...
Death, I suppose, is the true culprit here, for it is the one which forces all of us to this position. Once my relatives began to die, I saw each as a terrible yet temporary sorrow, yet now I see them as a cumulative personal status. I am the last in my line. I am one of the ones considered 'old.' There are no more cushions between death and me. I heard somewhere once that once your parents have passed, you are considered God's orphan. I cannot complain.
I imagine the inspiration for this writing came from my increasing awareness of the behavior of other people toward me. Whether I want it or not, I am a 'Ma'am'-unless such terminology is strictly forbidden by me. All of my physicians are younger than I, and some still bear pimples. It has taken this lifetime to earn respect, and I do enjoy it, yet I wonder how those who went before me felt at my age. They must have been as seriously confused as I am today.
How I will handle this status is up to me-and I do hope to have many years left to enjoy it.
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Wow what a captivating hub. Sadly aging is not something we can change except by dying and I am not ready for that. You and I are close to the same age so have been concerned about this too. I will say this you are a very young looking 53 year old. Maybe it's a typo and it should read 43.
Lorlie I really enjoy your musings for lack of something better to say. On the subject of my own aging I somehow feel that I have earned every wrinkle and every grey hair. Thanks again for letting me look inside your head and your heart.
Hey Lady,
You may be the last one in the family line missy, but you are not an elder. You are still a YOUNG 53, just like me In fact, if anything I am ageing faster than you, so I am more of an ELDER THAN YOU. Your family sounded amazing, now I don't want to hear any more about being old. This was nevertheless a very sincere hub. I loved it ,except that bit. okay God Bless Beautybabe.x
I'm 48 and both of my parents have passed away. I once read someone describe the death of first one parent and then the other as being like having the roof ripped of your house - you're on your own now, the safety net is gone, no one to catch you.
On the other hand, I don't feel old, I feel just as irresponsible, just as mischievous and just as curious about everything as when I was 25.
Not all of the people on HubPages are American, but the U.S. shares one thing in common with its satellites: we all have aging populations. A very good hub!
A young lady married an old man. After about a week, she was asked how she felt and she said, “I feel old age is creeping on me.” That is no answer. Old age is creeping on everyone. There are tell tale signs but it is best to ignore it and carry on the business as usual till nature intervenes.
Thanks for a good hub.
Lorlie6-
A touching hub-I think the death of a second parent shocks us in to serious reality checks-sometimes I have found I have felt so despondent I actually get confused as to which parent I am grieving for on a particular day-it's profound loss and a different role-no longer anyone's child! It can force one to grow up,regardless of age!
I loved Shakespeare's description of Cleopatra: 'Age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinite variety...' It is not great getting older and the loss of parents and elder relatives. But this is the very essence of an all too short life mitigated, the older we become (if we are lucky enough to do so), by greater depth and understanding of life and its transitory state.
Lyrics-you're a doll, thanks for stopping by to be touched. Ha Ha.
Georgiakevin-Oops, I meant 23!
Tammy-I know I've earned mine. Thanks for your comment.
Beautybabe-I know I'm still only in the middle of life, but you're right, I need to keep perspective.
liminal-you're such a joy when you visit-I love the roof analogy. I am also very mischievous and irresponsible-that's what worries me!
hafeezerm-You are so very right-thanks for the reminder.
itakins-I've never thought of it that way-thanks for the heads up.
Nicks-I really appreciate your input, reminding me of Shakespeare's words.
An enjoyable read. Thank you. As I approach my 70th birthday, I clearly remember the event, long ago, that made me suddenly realized that I had entered a new stage in my life. It was the day that a young man offered me his seat on a crowded New York City subway. I knew then that I was getting old. LOL
Q.
Quillographer-Though I've awhile before my 70's hit, I get what you mean!
An enjoyable read. Thank you.
An enjoyable read. Thank you.
Good living. There are some who never made it to 20, nevertheless, some who never even made it out of the womb.
Perhaps, I should also provide a more prosaic saying than Shakespeare's. My mother quips: 'Getting old is not for the weak hearted' - which I rather like. Anyone else have something similar?
lorelie, very nice reading, but you are still young-er! when I hear elder, I think 80+. When I lost my mother, I just couldn't imagine life without her. Even in her dying moments, she was smiling and telling my oldest son something through her eyes. We couldn't hear her words. I love elderly people and it's nice to see hubs written about them. They need our love and time, even a smile can lift their hearts. now, girl, put on your dancing shoes and live it up!
:)
Thanks, rebekahELLE, for your comment. I think the idea of this hub is that there is a change in status once our elders are gone.
I will be dancing as soon as I finish writing this! :o)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this inevitable process. Have you read Zalman Schachter-Shalomi's wonderful book "From Ageing to Sageing"? You are becoming not an elder but a sage!
Love and peace.
Tony
I'm right there with ya, girlfriend - just 2 years behind! We're not old!! I refuse to grow up!
tonymac-I sure hope so!
habee-Me too!
Good! I was a little worried about you!
We are going older soon. The point is how to passed the day and enjoy this life. The body look older than before but the spirit still young, right.
Thank you for your encouraging words, prasetio30-I will keep what you have said in mind daily!
Tis sad but true we are but a vapor that appears for a little while and then we are gone. Your Hub is a fine read and expresses much about the human condition. I enjoyed your writing. Thank you.
Thank you, James. Sometimes it is comforting to know that we are just that, momentary.
I always appreciate your stopping by.
Beautiful writing! We all are headed in the same direction, the key is to be able to change gracefully with each season. Easier said than done, although you seem to be handling change very well. Your thoughts remind me of that Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide."
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too.
I too have days of reflecting and with more family members and close friends passing away, it only mirrors my own age and immortality.
In His Love.
You are too kind, peacenhim. I wasn't thinking of that song-one of my all-time favorites-when I wrote this, but I do see where the lyrics apply.
Thanks again.
Well I have been an orphan for some time now. But I refuse to be either an elder or a sage. When that happens much is expected of you, that is a burden I shall not carry. I will stay young forever you see. In my dreams and in my failing heart. Thanks for your love and sentiments darling woman. And your prayers too. xox Charlie I love this hub, really! great job.
Thanks, Charlie! I have been so worried about your health-as have many others on this site-so it is with joy I read your comments. Perhaps I'm too serious in life, and feel I SHOULD grow up...but I'm going to take your sweet words to heart and relax a bit.
May your heart stay young-despite what 'they' say!
Lorlie, your hubs are always so touching and you know what, I have six friends before I came here in the US, they are all 60 plus I am the youngest almost half their ages, but I adore them and miss them too, they give me wisdom, they have fears too, dying, but then its normal,I wish I could meet them when I go home, Miss them a lot plus my parents too..
thank you Lorlie, Maita
Thank you so, Maita, for your kind words. Aging is a global reality and none of us stays young.
I hope you get to see your parents soon!
Great Hub, you clearly care about the topic and write with great passion....well done
Thanks, theirishobserver, I appreciate the feedback!
Your hub is very nice. The aging process and the phases of life presented are exquisite observations.
Being a member of a church where the average age is close to 80 can be a humbling and enlightening experience. These vital, energetic, lovely people (elders, senior statesmen) call me a young person, and I have a year or two on you, lorlie. I do feel like a kid around some of them, too! I guess it's all in your perspective ;) I don't plan to totally grow up either ;D
Thanks, mdlawyer, for your kind words. I really appreciate the feedback.
RedElf-Have you ever read "Water for Elephants?" This little book was a reminder to me that these real elders have such incredibly rich stories to share-if we take the time to listen.
Hmm, getting older, i dont want to think about that, but your right, we all are. Do you know in my early twenties, when i was raising young children, because i found myself so housebound and alone sometimes i felt old. Imagine that, i think when life is good and full we tend to feel younger no matter what age you are. Great hub!
Thanks, tipperary, for stopping by-I do know what you mean!
lorlie6, it seems we have a large demographics here of hubbers who refuse to grow up. I think I'll join that list, and drag you along with me. You are not old!
I very much enjoyed this, you certainly have a way of saying what's on your heart. Thank you for sharing.
Ah, Duchess-you are so right! Feeling that I am now an 'elder' really reflects nothing to do with my age, but my position as the eldest in my immediate family. It's a strange process, but one I have to take on!
A very touching hub and I feel the same way. My granddaughter graduates from high school this year. Where did the years go? Very good hub.
Isn't it amazing, Pamela? Thanks for your words and understanding!
Very nice Hub. My mother's side of the family has a reunion each year, and certain announcements are made. Including who the oldest family member is. Right now my mother holds that title at aged 90. Bless her heart, I hope she holds it for another 10 years at least!
That is an amazing way to honor your eldest! God bless your mother, Cathi, may she live another 90!
Thanks for stopping by,
Laurel
Hi Lorlie, 53 is not an old age, definitely not elder. Try to keep yourself busy and mix with a lot of people. I wonder if there is anything you can do to work with teens, even if its once a week. etc
Anyway, I enjoyed your Hub. You have so much ahead of you. A loooot. Please don't take your age into consideration.
Best Wishes
Thanks Lady_E-I'm only an 'elder' in the sense that all my forefathers/mothers have passed, making me the eldest now. It's a strange perspective! You know, I love working with teens at our local library-they may know more about computers there, but I know much more about actual books!
Thanks again,
Laurel
lorlie, I love this hub and I can see myself as you say, as an elder one. I used to be the youngest one in the room, because I always enjoyed being around older ones. Now the tables are turned, now I'm the one that young ones like to be around, because I'm the older one. Of course, I take it all in stride, and I'm enjoying this phase of my life. Very good hub.
Thanks, fastfreta-the turning of those tables is strange, yet natural!
Lorlie and to all you YOUNG-UN'S above I an many others solved this problem long ago. Check by hub---(Age Can Be Colorful)
P.S. my mother taught me this one.Thanks for the great read.
Yep, Ginn, I know I'm a YOUNG-UN! But still when the ones older than I have passed on, it makes me the older one!
I intend to check out your hub-
Thanks for stopping by,
Laurel
When I turned forty I thought oh boy this is it.
When I turned sixty I thought gee Ive survived and reaching that age in my opinion is a real BONUS as many do not especially some of our children
Now I am nearly seventy I think that every day I wake up and see the sunshine then its a real bonus
So w all need to enjoy our youth between 50 to 80 with open arms. Speaking of arms I got a real shock when standing in front of the mirror one day and saw the flapping skin hanging down under my arms. Wow then I knew life was passing me by. great hub thanks for sharing that
Wow, Eileen-I truly appreciate this input, especially since I tend to forget my relative youth.
Thanks so much,
Laurel
I am so happy to have found this hub Lorlie! It is awesome to know we are never alone on the journey of our lives and that others can empathize with the same feeling we do about many things.i embrace "crone-dom" and honestly think youth is wasted on the young...haha...glad to be one of your peers on this journey!
Nasmaste
Aley-I am honored by your presence! Youth is indeed wasted on the young...and then here we are. I don't imagine I'll be calling us 'crones' any time soon, but middle age has arrived in its full regalia!
Thanks for coming by!
I just really like this hub - read it a while ago (about a month ago) and came back to refresh my memory, lorlie6. A friend has been pondering over some of the same things as on your hub when we have conversations, so I emailed her the link to this hub this morning. I think it will assure her that she's not the only one thinking about aging. I happen to think she's young at heart, anyway - and in no way is acting like the "old fogey" she thinks she's becoming lol I hope she reads you last line here several times!
Thanks so much, mythbuster-I thank you for coming by again and hope your friend feels younger as you say she should. I know it can be difficult, but friends like you make all the difference!
Age is a matter of mind...if you don't mind, it doesn't matter! :)
Hi lorlie6 - I so agree with you! So many of my friends who, like me, have crossed 50 felt their age when the older generation passed away. I count myself fortunate to have both parents living and I believe that as long as I can still be a 'child', I don't feel my age and I bless each day I have them!
Feline Prophet-a truer statement never has been uttered!
Shalini-you are quite fortunate to have your parents, be a child as long as you can!
Hi lorlie
following you on this count too.I am almost there,but one with
so much creativity would never be old.
Thank you for your kind words, suny51!
Enjoyed this hub and all the comments. Getting older is not really a big deal. Don't forget, those who are younger than you, just got out of the starting gate, those older than you are approaching the finish line. It's all relative really.
And remember the real reason why old people are fond of giving youth advise.... "they are less apt to still be a bad example" LOL -- Me- I hope I remain a bad example for a few more years. At 54, the few more years is the challenge.
Full Speed Ahead - One Inch At A Time.
Neil
Neil, thanks for stopping by! Good for you-being a bad example! Heh, heh. I think I'll loosen up a bit thanks to these words.
VEry enjoyable read.. lovely hub thanks for sharing this with us.. :)
I appreciate the comment, terrowhite!
You are still a delight! Great hub!
Making the rounds, friend? Love it. This morning in fact I have a new status-GRANDMOTHER! My step-daughter gave birth to William Noah at 11:06 last night giving me a lovely new role!
Elder ain't so bad after all.
Great hub, Lorie and you've got some time before you become an elder. Enjoy the perks. I always say that if I manage to make it to senior years, I'm going to be the most wicked dementia patient on earth. (Whether or not I'm lucid--;-))
Thanks so much for your comment, SJ.
Lucidity is for the birds, I say!
Wonderful article.
Thank you, Pamela-I really thank you for stopping by!
hello my friend - I sincerely hope all is well with you today. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement of my writing. Keep thinking good thoughts and please keep in touch!
Aw, epi-you've become quite the positive presence on this site! I'm proud to be a follower.
Ahhh to forgive ourselves the idiousy of our youth. My life mission at times , stay well....
ahorseback-self forgiveness is incredibly difficult! I think I definitely get it when you liken your life to a mission!
Thanks so much for coming by!
When I read your hub it was like you had read my mind. I have been thinking alot about the same thing. I am 72 and some days think my mind and body are going fast.LOL
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. My family calls me the matriarch. I take that as a compliment. Again, thanks for waking me up to let me know I am not alone at this time of my life. This is my first day here and I think I am going to love it.
Welcome to HubPages, Heartlandlady! Do you have an account set up yet? There are a lot of people here that feel the same as we do.
I haven't been called the matriarch yet, but I AM. It's so strange to relate to relate to those who have yet to live their lives-I mean completely!
Thanks so much for coming by-hope to see you soon.
lyricsingray 2 years ago
Now once agin, your Hub touches me - stop doing that j/k. Loved it, Kimberly
ps-fun getting older is say.