My Dearest Mama: A Posthumous Love Letter
77
My Prelude
I know, I know-It's been far too long since I've written, but you undoubtedly remember how lax I can be at penning my thoughts. Oh, Mama, I'm sorry, but since your death in '88, it's been terribly hard communicating with you on paper. Or computers-yep, they have these things everywhere now, and I am enjoying my own, believe it or not. Just got one this year, as a matter of fact, and I can't believe what they can do-you would have loved these machines. I know how much you loved reading, and they have these electronic books, Mama-you don't have to hold paper in your hands any more, the book is actually readable on a hand held machine! I'm not sure you'd like them, though, considering how you loved the library and all.
How are you doing, Mama? I mean, what's it like? Oh, jeeze, i know you probably can't tell me, but as you recall, I am one curious daughter. Your only child-wow-what a blessing it was to have you as my mother. I know we went through some hard times, but that's life, right?
My Heart
The reason for this letter is that I didn't quit smoking when I wanted to, Mama, and it kills me because it killed you. I hated it when you smoked when I was a kid, but I picked up the damned habit in high school. I always wanted to be just like you-so beautiful, so glamorous, so high-society. I thought booze and cigarettes were symbols of that sort of life, and took to them both very eagerly. Back in the 50's when you started smoking, I bet it was all the rage, and you weren't 'in' if you didn't smoke. Now, Mama, it's the opposite, because the American Cancer Society and the American Lung Association, and all sorts of agencies, have found that smoking will most certainly damage you-if not kill you.
But, Mama, it's such a bitch to rid myself of this stinking habit. Sorry for using that word, but I'm an old gal now, and tend to get away with such language! It's a hoot, really. But anyway, I wanted to write because I just can't seem to do this thing on my own, and remember how you were always my best friend. Boy, how I miss you. It's been 21 years now, and I can still remember your face. Now it's my face, Mama.
My Questions
God, I hate to ask you this, but what was it like to have cancer? I know that it hurt, because I took care of you much of the time, but what was it like in your head? You never wanted to talk about cancer or death, and who was I to force the issue? Mama, what was it like when you found out? Did you cry? I don't think I ever in my life saw tears fall from your eyes. I can't imagine those words being uttered to me. Did you hate yourself? Your past? I'll bet you feared your future. Well, that's where I find myself right now. I don't think I have the big 'C' yet, but I suppose I could get it any day now...because I still smoke. It just won't let go of me, or I won't go of it, Mama. Why did you continue to smoke after your diagnosis? That really angered me, Mama, and I'm sorry it's taken so long to tell you so. Oh, that's really not fair. I imagine you'd change things if you could.
My Goodbye
Even though it's incredibly difficult to bid farewell to you again, I must. But before I do, could you manage somehow to show yourself to me one more time and tell me how to do this thing? I'm assuming, of course, that you're wise now that you've been on 'the other side' for so long. Just teasing, Mama, I just wish that I could feel your arms around me once again, and to hear your lovely voice call my name.
Maybe, just maybe, you can give me a hint-or some strength-on how not to die.
With all my love,
Laurel
CommentsLoading...
Lorlie6-
This is very very touching;I can't stop smoking for you ,but I am going to storm Heaven for you today!'Some people see failure as stumbling blocks ,others see it as stepping stones'-
You can do it:)
Oh, Lorlie, my heart goes out to you. My mother died of cancer as well and I also still smoke. This is a heartfelt and honest Hub. Thanks for putting yourself out there.
dohn, itakins, and suziecat-thanks for your words. This was a hard hub to write, but it was simmering in me, you know?
this Lorlie is beautiful! It is a wonderful hub and I know your mom is probably reading it thinking about you right now. She should be proud that she had raised you to be so caring, loving, patient, and strong.
This was so touching.Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Crazd and mpurcell. T'wasn't easy, but it had to get out!
Yes nothing is as easy as writing to someone you loved and has passed on, especially when it has been sitting in your head and heart for so long. Glad you were able to get it out and into a hub, Lorlie! *hugs*
Lorlie, big hugs girl! Quitting smoking must be an incredibly overwhelming thing to do. You give me a wonderful image of your mother. :-) Thank you for sharing this with us.
I know how overwhelming it is to quit smoking. It's easy to quit...but staying cigarette free is the hard part. One day at a time, one second at a time just keep trying!
Thank you for writing this story. Honestly this is the best one I have read this morning. I honestly had tears spring up. Beautiful story!
It's hard when you lose a parent, it seems worse when it's your mother somehow. I didn't imagine I would feel worse that when my father died, but I did. But that is most likely because my mother and I were basically all we had here. One sister lives on the west coast and my other sister lives in Scotland. We lived together for most of my life. She died 12 years ago and I still miss her.
My mother died so young due to smoking also...actually both my parents did. My father died in his late 50s from heart problems. My mother quit a few times but always went back to it despite having asthma. It is a nasty habit that I am so glad I don't have. I did smoke briefly but only when out drinking. Good luck, you can stop smoking...
Just do the best you can. This was beautiful by the way. I always enjoy your writing, thank you xo
Citrus, Tammy, UV and Lyrics, it heartens me to see your comments. I will keep trying, and speaking-in whatever fashion-to my Mama.
Dearest Laural, my dear friend, my eyes just slowly started filling with tears as I read this beautiful letter that you have written to your mother after her passing from cancer. It must have been so hard losing her that way. I know you are scared my dear friend, but you have to try harder than ever now to give up the cigarettes but not because of her death, but because you want to live. You know what damage it can do and as I said before you will have to stop at least six to eight weeks prior to major surgery. I am really scared for you. I can see from this hub how much you want to, just by the way you ask your mother for help to do this shows everyone that you want to. I am so proud of you because you have had such a tough life and your still going through battles and your winning and you will win this too, just have faith in yourself, believe in yourself, pray to the Lord and ask for his help, and he will help you. You know that you always have my full support Laural, you always will have that, take care my friend, I am here if you need to talk any time, you know that. love BB
Thank you for your kind words, beautybabe-you are one of my dearest Internet friends, and that is important to me.
Dear lorlie - What a touching, beautiful letter. Somehow I feel that you not only find strength to write about difficult matters, but in doing so, you strengthen your spirit and resolve. I'm thinking good thoughts and sending them your way.
You are a terrific support for me, Green Lotus, and yes, this was difficult to write. Thanks for stopping by. I am still trying to quit.
oh lorlie, if I can hug you now, sending my hugs, you really touched my heart today, I hope you did find strength after writing this one, difficult at times but you need to find strength somehow, HUGS HUGS and more, Maita
Oh my dear this is really heart-breaking ~ what a very courageous and special hub. I want to ask you if you've tried Hypnosis for smoking cessation? Now that you've decided to REALLY give it up, Hypnosis is very effective, but you have to really want to give it up.. let me know if I can help in any way. I loved this hub.
prettydarkhorse and brightforyou, how very amazing to have people like yourselves reading my hubs. I so appreciate that you understand what I really meant in writing this!
This brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of my own mother. I want to write a tribute to her, but I haven't been able to finish it.
I know what you mean, habee, this is only one small bit of what I want to talk to her about...
Losing one's mama is so difficult.
My mother died of cancer too, but she was not a smoker. She was in agony for the last four or five years of her life and I sat with her the whole night through before she died quite early one morning. I still miss her although it's now more than 20 years since she died. I'm linking your Hub to mine on my mother.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
Love and peace
Tony
It's been the same amount of time since I lost my mom, tonymac. Nothing can take their place!
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, I'm sure she's looking down on you and smiling proudly. Wherever her spirit may be I know she misses you as much as you miss her. Beautiful hub Lorie!
Thanks, Millionheir, this was a strange yet liberating hub to write.
I actually had tears in my eyes reading this. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, drcris, I had tears as I was writing it, too.
I really sad reading this hub. I am sorry to hear that. I think your mother is the best mother in the world. She's never changed. About cancer, it happen in my lovely aunt. She died by the breast cancer too. I hope the best for your mom in heaven. Thanks
Thank you for writing of your feelings, prasetio30. I am so sorry to hear of your aunt.
Perhaps my mother and your aunt are together watching over us from heaven.
Thank you for sharing this very real letter with us. It is sad but much of life is. We must come to grips with it all somehow.
I so look forward to your comments, James. Isn't it one of the hardest parts of living? But to some extent, it all makes us stronger.
Stay well, my friend.
Ive never read a story quite like this before. Rather than speak about your mother, you spoke to her and managed to tell us about her, how she died and how much you really miss her. Brillant piece!
tipperary-I thank you for your commentary. It was a difficult piece to write, but I believe it got my emotions across.
Thanks again.
My mom is battling Cancer and just like yours she smoked and still picks them up. She is going through Chemo/Radiation and the tumor is shrinking, I told her she had to stop. Your story pulled at my heartstrings you to need to put them down it is not worth it. Maybe you could try the patch, licorice or gum anything to get rid of it I certainly would not want anything to happen to you, you are a wonderful writer. Please try to quit and share your progress If I can do it you can too! :)
I am so very sorry about your mother, AE. Nicotine addiction is insidious and powerful-I truly feel for your mom-and you. I have cut my consumption by half, and am continuing to try to quit entirely. Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
You can do it!!! I know you can :)
I'm giving it my all, I promise you.
Thanks for your words!
wow, what a beautiful and moving hub. your mom sounds like an amazing woman. i can only imagine how difficult that must have been to care for her and know her pain. i know you will kick the habit. you're tough! :)
rating you UP.
Thanks for visiting, cosette-I know I will conquer this thing. And, thanks for the 'up!'
Very touching, very deep. It's nice you wrote it. I'm sure she watches over you everyday and smiles.
Aaaaaw, I don't know what else to write but I'm sending you a big HUG.
Love, Elena x.
Thanks so much for reading, Elena. I really do feel her with me every day, and it's a great comfort.
OMG, this hub really got to me. I wish I owned stock in Puffs tissues because I'm single-handedly doubling the company's sales volume this month. This hub is so touching! Beautifully written, very well done! I'd write more but I need more Puffs...
It just moved me so much, your pains and feelings are sure to overwhelm anybody on this earth...
Well, Sara, Puffs are THE tissues for writers, I believe, so go invest, girl! Oh, and BTW, thanks!!!
Moulik-Wow. Thank you. This was very cathartic to write, and I appreciate your words.
You know what this was just beautiful...
Thank you, blondepoet-from you, that is very high praise. :)
Great Hub, cancer, what a beast, so many people have died so young, I just dont know the answer, smoking another great beast, I like your writing, I also like the fact that you take time to read other peoples writings, this shows great character and personality, I try to get round as many as I can, it is time consuming, but you and others take the time to read and help, I like your writing, I like you and I wish you continued success with your work....Irish
I appreciate your words, Irish, I find 'scanning' HubPages is one of my favorite past times. And regarding this topic-yes, both are vicious beasts, and while I have yet to conquer one, I expect to encounter the other as a result.
I hope not, but I simply haven't been successful at quitting yet.
Laurel,
This is a very touching story. I too lost a parent from the affects of smoking. My father, by his own account, started smoking out behind the barn, when he was seven. Those insidious things had a hold on him for so many years. He did finally quit after his second coronary. He quit cold turkey. He lasted another five years before the cancer finally got him. Those were painful years for him, because of the damage that had been done to his entire body. I was so sad and angry from him choosing the cigarettes over me, my mother, my sisters, my brother, his grandchildren, etc.
Fortunately, I did not start smoking. I saw how it destroyed my dad’s health and I wanted no part of it. I can never remember a time when he did not get short of breath any time he exerted himself. He always went to my Little League Baseball games, but he could never go out and throw a baseball or football with me. When we were young, my brother and I would always say, “I will never do that to myself”, but my brother also started in high school, because his friends did. He is now like our father was in the later years of his life. He is five years younger than I am, but most people think he is the older brother. Those things really take a toll on your body.
Did I read this right? It sounded like you are waiting until you get the big C or something just as awful from smoking before you can quit. I hate to break it to you, but it is to late then. The damage will be done and you will only add a few years to your life.
Do you have children? If so, is it not enough, knowing from the pain it caused you from your mother dying from smoking, that your children will go through the same sadness and angry that you did. I realize that nicotine is very additive and hard to give up. Some say it is more addictive than heroin. It is an awful awful thing to be in the grip of such a slow working poison, but you can kick the habit. A lot of people have. You just need the right incentive. Dad said for years, “I can quite anytime I want. I just don’t want to.” He was right. Dead right! The pain and fear of that second heart attack provided the needed incentive, but the incentive came too late. Not many years were left and there was little quality of life in them.
I miss and love my dad a great deal, but I will always have this anger inside of me. The anger in the fact that those that loved him were not enough incentive for him to quite long before he did. He just laid them down and never picked them up again. He had a three pack a day habit, but he was able to stop smoking. Its not that he did not still have the desire to smoke. He just finally had more desire not to.
I ought to write a hub about him and the affect he had on my life. There was a lot of good along with this bad. I think I just about did in this comment.
You are in my prayers,
Bill
Bill-check your email. This is an amazing comment.
Thanks,
Laurel
This gave me chills. It is very touching.
Thank you, Today-I appreciate your words.
Laurel
Touching, beautiful, and so gut wrenchingly honest! Cyber Hugs!
Bless your heart, Duchess-and Cyber Hugs right back at ya!
Laurel
Aww, my mom passed 12 years ago and I miss her still. You could say it was a broken heart over the loss of our dad. His death was sudden and unexpected so it sent us all reeling, but no one more than mom. Your eloquent Hub is a beautiful dedication to her spirit. I find comfort in the memory of her smile and her voice singing and her hand on my shoulder and her laughter. I hope you find the same with yours. Bless you for a great hub! ;-)
Thank you, mwatkins, I miss my mother every day, too. I talk to her almost daily and will probably never get over her death.
Thanks for stopping by!
"Now it's my face, Mama." Oh! How I resemble that phrase! You've obviously touched so many with this piece. Beautiful!
lalesu-you're very kind. I thank you for coming by!
People are just unfathomable - it is unreal what we do to ourselves and the little we will do for ourselves, or how we do not value our own lives, really and minimize the miracles so we can process the negative stuff in huge amounts. I just think, heck, if people don't get that life is precious, that this spirit they have now may never get another chance once they're gone off this earth - then what can anyone do about anyone else's choices? Here yu go - all it takes to be enlightened is to realize how enormous your life is, and just now how much yu have touched all these other spirits who happen by here. Is that enuf to value that you are precious?
Thanks mega. You are most certainly right.
Wow Lorie you brought tears to my eyes. Very well done and very touching. Cheers.
Thanks so much, ladyjane for your comment. And the tears-sometimes they need to fall, at least for me!
lorlie, Sue here wow! so great it made me cry and wish I had a mother like that, I pray every day that God gives you the strength to stop smoking, I have some one I wish would stop to, but like you he just can't put it down.
Sorry for the tears, Sue, but sometimes they've got to fall, you know? I hope I do quit one day, too. Damn, it's hard.
All the best to you and thanks for stopping by.
better to have had love than not to have had it at all - and there is a lot of love coming from your hubs your persona and your aura!!!
May I call you epi? Well, I hope so, and thank you for your comment. Yes, that Shakespearean phrase is so incredibly timeless and true!
See you soon, epi!
and yes my mum was my best friend - I am who I am today because of her unconditional love and support ...... you bring so much soul, passion and conviction to your hubs that it's a joy for your readers!
As do you, epi. I thank you for your comment-mamas are so very important.
Lorie, Reading your Hub that I could relate to really moved me. I read Bill's response, I disagree with one thing he said-its to late! Life is short enough, why make it shorter. I used to smoke a pack or pack and a half (Pellmal)w/no filter for 25 years. I knew it made no sense to smoke, i.e. smokers hack every morning, stained fingers and teeth, etc. I tried quitting about a dozen times, one time I managed to quit for two weeks, but forgetting what it was like I lit up again. Finaly I made a decision to do one or the other. I knew that the credible answer was to quit, so I decided hell or high water I was quitting, ha, believe or I did. The head controlls the body, not the other way around, just do it! I like your writing, selfish as I am, please do quit. There is always someone who can take your space, but no one can take your place, do it. I need to utilize the Hub more to learn that your biology is just as healthy as your photo reflects. Please give it one hell of a try!!
Ronnie
Ronnie-you're such a grand friend here on HP. I thank you for your encouragement and experience!
I don't know if you come back and read these comments, but if you do, when did you quit? Is it still hard, I mean do you still yearn for that smoke???
Thanks, hon.
Lorlie,
I started trying to quit when I was in my late 40's, it took about 3 years to actually quit after a dozen tries. I look at dieting and exercise as I viewed smoking when I was trying to quit; by the way I loved to eat and hated exercise. I have learned to minimize my intake of sugar, fat, and salt. I forced myself to do 20 to 30 minutes of stretching,lifting dumb beels, sit ups, push ups, etc. four times/week. I have lost 45 pounds and went from a 38 waist to 34. I still hate it, but I really do like the results. By the way, my wife and one of my sons still smoke and it does not bother me at all. Lorie, try quitting as many times as it takes-trust me, Its worth the effort!
Ronnie-your words are comforting to this smoker, that's for sure. I've heard it takes multiple attempts-what a frustrating process.
But as you say, it will be worth it!!!
Thanks again.
Great hub. My prayers will be extra big to pray for you to shake the addiction to smoking. I know you can. Neat ode to your mom
Thanks so much, Healing Touch. I appreciate the prayers more than you know!
I lost my mother when I was 12, not from cancer, but from another horrible disease. You've beautifully expressed your emotions here. Glad I stumbled across this.
Losing your mom is awful, no matter the 'method.' I know how it feels to lose a parent at a young age as well-lost my father when I was 9.
I hate death...what more can we say??
This was such a beautiful writing that definitely came from your heart, you are an inspiration to me as I am getting used to being toyally honest and not be so scared that I may have disclosed too much!!Again so naturally and well done. Take care
Thank you, Eiddwen! I've always written from the heart, not for monetary gain, so maybe that's why I've earned a whopping $13.53 so far. :)
I enjoy reading hubs that are both true and real, so I suppose that's my style.
Thanks for coming by@
Thank you again Laurel. Like you I also write from my heart but but I'm not going to deny the fact that financial gain however large or small is also a nice thought!!
Absolutely, Eiddwen!
Thanks for visiting the hub.
lorlie6,
You made me emotional. The eyes were swelled up with a strange liquid that appeared when I read this hub. Quite touching, it's written from your heart. It's a huge loss when you lose your precious ones, I know the pain when I lost my Grandma. I feel that she is with me, every moment, every instant. Anyways, it was nice really reading this. I felt the presence of my Grandma.
I am happy that this hub touched you, Surabhi. The pain of losing a loved family member is terrible, and I know that you understand it well.
I'm also very sorry that you lost your Grandmother, but remember, she is always with you!
Thank you for coming by!
This was amazing. My mum died of cancer, and mum's they are just so brave aren't they. I am convinced i will see my mum again, it keeps me going, and one day all these sad things will be gone from our memories. You are a beautiful writer, keep at it. Brenda Scully xxx
Joy, so good to see you here. Mothers are amazing pieces of our lives and our love for them can be enormous. I'm so sorry about your mum, Joy, and believe as you do that we will all be reunited someday.
Thanks for the visit-I'm glad you stopped by.
This will knock your socks off. God bless you Girl! I love you lorlie! I love my Mama too and I've got something in my eye.
My hubby gets stuff in his eyes all the time, so I get what you mean, Micky.
Thanks for your words, sweet man!
Lorlie6 - What a beautiful, touching letter to your dear Mother. Tears welled up making it difficult to read. Your hub has given me a new appreciation for my Mom, who at 85, remains one of my best friends.
If your Mom could say anything to you right now, what do you think it might be? Would she tell you to take care of yourself for you and for your family?
I smoked for fifteen years, then quit for ten years, then smoked for another five. Right now I'm a non-smoker although, like any addiction, it takes just one awful moment when the desire returns with a vengeance. Lucky for me, hubby quit 20 months ago in anticipation of surgery. He successfully used the Chantrix Rx which reputably has some scary side effects but none he noticed other than wanting to quit smoking.
My heart goes out to you. May God bless you today.
Very powerful and close to home. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 15. I know who I am now, but I am not sure who I would be if she had stayed with me. Interesting to ponder. I never became a smoker as I choose food as my guilty pleasure, and that is another story.
Hi Peg-If mama were alive today, she would be loving every minute seeing both her grandson, then, checking out her great-grandson! After all that, she just might notice how I am smoking...I'd be in for one helluva lecture, I'm sure.
Thanks for coming by, Peg!!
Hi there duffsmom! Yep, the 'what ifs' can take you some pretty strange places-but they are fascinating to mull over. Food? I've never been wholly addicted to food-even though I am overweight! ;)
Thanks for the visit, duffsmom.
Hello Lorlie-Divine intervention is at work again perhaps--as I find myself reading these beautiful & hauntingly familiar words of yours to your Mother... Feeling rather unsettled this morning about the death of my own Mother almost 2 years ago to lung cancer-Oh how I miss her! She was a heavy smoker with a most complicated & difficult life, of course I have always been the only 1 of her 4 kids who ever picked up a cigarette & you would think her death should have inspired me to give them up for good, not that easy! Well that's another story-another Hub.
I just want to applaud your writing - style, therapeutic for you perhaps but my presence is testimony to your unique & magnetic ability to talk from your soul, raw & appealing--relating to so many who have read the same story. Thank you for allowing us all this visit !!
Hi, saw this on a sidebar, and just wanted to wish you all the best. My mom smoked for years but that's not what took her. Still the fact remains. It's hard to get used to them being gone. Not over it, just used to not being able to call. Nobody knows the pain until they endure it. I still pretend "I'm gonna call her in a bit, but we're busy right now." until the feeling passes and "oops it's too late she's sleeping."
I realize it's been awhile seen you wrote this, but if you haven't quit, it's something you can keep on quitting at. -Peace, Kat
dohn121 Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
I don't think I'll ever be ready to see my parents pass on. Thank you for sharing such a powerful piece about your mother, lorlie. I hope it made you feel better to have written this. I know a thing or two about writing out my emotions.
Dohn